Relearning who you are is a strange and scary concept, but change is just part of growth and I believe we never stop growing. The up's and down's of a creative mind is exhausting, (I use that word a lot... I feel exhausted) but I guess we are all a little exhausted at the moment! Although a massive positive outcome from the pandemic, yes there are some positive outcomes! Is that I genuinely believe that we have learnt to open up more, expressing our pain and communicate on a deeper level. If you are like me you might be finding it harder to regulate your moods due to lockdown, I believe this is down to having more time to think, a lot of us are not as busy at this moment in time so of course if you're an over thinker with any kind of trauma it's a tricky time!
Another positive (another one!) We are more picky and appreciative about who we spend our time with, because lets face it time is precious and we can only keep our bubbles small! Being around positive people is extremely helpful, opening up with these people we trust is also a positive step keeping everything inside isn't always the way. It's taking me a long time to work this out, acting ok through the day and then having a meltdown at 2am isn't healthy, lets all talk about this more!
If you follow my work, I'm sure there's about 7 of you (*winkie face*) then you will already know that I try and photograph my emotions and experiences, so here is what I've been up too!
Fear
My TV broke, so instead of being annoyed about it I just got creative! Because I’ve realised that life is impossible to control everything (although I'm sure i'll keep trying), However when everything goes wrong trying to make the best of a bad situation can give a different perspective!
These images are inspired by Fear. Fear is a crazy feeling, and I mean real fear, the type that you feel in the pit of your stomach, it makes your skin feel cold, the sickness and heavy chest. This feeling is a human instinct but can feel so extreme! I've felt this feeling more times than I wish to remember, I'm sure we have all been through this kind of fear at some point... It can leave a mark.
Some times I can be completely fine, happy then fear, pain and sadness is trigged by something little, that's the thing about having a visual mind and memory! I'm sure other creatives can really relate to this!...But we can choose to work on these feelings, find ways to control them more and turn them into something positive, our negative experiences do not define us.
Suffocating
Arghhhhh these, that was a BAD week, black and white images are often (but not always) the result of a bad week or memory! I don’t know if I like them yet, but they are growing on me a little! I felt grumpy (again), tired and frustrated slightly suffocating maybe is a better way of putting it (lockdown feels) I tried to Instil that feeling into these images. It was a tricky one, I’ll probably give it another go at some point, try and rethink the concept! I think I can do it better! But it's how I felt and I'm still in the mindset that sharing our feelings is a part of growing and I know I will not be the only person who feels like this from time to time, it's ok to feel like this!
Love
Here is an older image, but I re-edited it this week and I wanted a positive feeling to put into this blog entry because i'm not all doom and gloom. It's a black and white image but it's also a positive one! Another emotion I feel strongly is love. That’s a harder one for me to try and capture, I’m better with the dark and moody feelings for sure! But love is a great feeling, who doesn't love it? In fact I still remember my first feeling of love, I was around 17/18 years old and with my now husband. I’d never felt such a strong positive emotion before that moment of course I loved my siblings and cat! But this was a different feeling, we were both just lying on his bedroom floor talking and laughing, it’s a great memory. Things kind of started to click after that. It’s a great thing receiving unconditional love. Now i'm a mum and wife I feel love and loved every day. Sometimes we just need to take a deep breath and remember those perfect moments of positivity and love! I'm working on this!
My Bloody Memories...
These are interesting for me to look at, for many reasons I like them they also make me a little sad. A phone call inspired this idea, talking about memories with someone I love. Memories have the ability to grow, twist and turn over time they can become like an infection making you feel ill. Mine still keep me awake, but i'm still working hard on it! It’s also important to remember things aren’t always as they seam and we need to be kind. Many people are fighting personal battles at the moment. Just because something isn’t visible doesn’t mean it's not felt, and you never know whats happening behind closed doors or in someones head.
Editing wise I didn’t get it right, but I’m working on the technique! I love editing as much as I love photography, I wish I used fake blood instead of red paint it was too thick really but I always just use whatever I have to hand! I'm looking forward to doing more soon. The concept is an interesting one. It will take some thinking but I think I can do the idea well. I also get to work with another person on developing the ideas for it which is nice I like a collaboration!
Flight or Fall
I've been floating around again! I've given up on doing these for a little while, I'm still bruised and achy! But I have these in my portfolio now so i'm happy, they are fun to shoot and edit. Here's a little look on how some of them are done...
The meanings, I will not go into these too much as I don't want to be all brooding again, and I've already shared some of these once before in an older blog post, but they often represent the feeling of falling and not feeling in control. A feeling I've talked about not liking in one of my older blog posts but i'm learning to deal with the feeling and when I decide to work on something I give it my all! I've felt like this a lot during my life and if I feel it, I create it! These are not all about loss of control, something this photograph technique is also about the feeling of being lighter, in sense of feeling less weighed down by my feelings, which is a positive for me. Here is a little hint and insight the messier my hair is in these the more annoyed I was feeling about something... because i'm dramatic like that!
Thanks for reading! I'm working on my art a lot these days which is good! Being creative and self expression is a massive help in working through issues and I like to be focused and busy! Getting my feelings out like this is getting easier but also makes me feel lighter, it really does help! I really do recommend a creative outlet to anyone who is struggling with their feelings not just during the pandemic but in general! Remember our mental health is important and asking for help isn't weakness.
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